A frequent concern of CLF families is talking to children about death. As adults, all of us have had experience with loss and grief. It is natural for parents to want to shield their children from painful emotions, or to avoid discussion of feelings and experiences about which they themselves are uncertain. And so we wait until the death of a beloved pet or person before talking with our children about death.

Paradoxically, avoiding the topic only serves to heighten children's fear and anxiety. It is advisable to begin talking to your children about death under normal circumstances when they are preschoolers. Keep the topic open for on-going and frequent discussion to be sure that you reach your child at each appropriate developmental level.

Listed below are questions parents commonly have about children and death. Each question is followed by the wisdom of several child development specialists, psychologists and theologians. A brief bibliography is also included. In the end it is your own understanding and acceptance of death which is most important. A religious education professional or minister can help you with this.

1. At what age do children understand death?
Death is a concept which children understand differently at different times of their cognitive development. Although this development follows certain patterns, it follows no strict chronological timetable. It is possible that your 4-year-old has the developmental level of a 7-year-old and vis-versa. At any time in this developmental progression children can be led to a more mature, realistic understanding of death than they naturally have. Keeping this in mind, some useful generalizations can be made.

Ages 2-5
In the pre-school years children have little abstract sense of time, so concepts of "forever" and "final" are poorly understood. Death is often thought of as temporary, accidental and unlucky-but not inevitable. For children of this age, bad things generally happen when they are naughty, so it is easy for them to feel guilt-that somehow they were the cause of the death. Parents who avoid the truth with evasive responses or fictional explanations because they are afraid their child will not understand may actually contribute to greater misunderstanding and guilt.

Ages 5-9
In mid-childhood the reality of death as a permanent condition becomes part of the child's maturing concept. Generally, however, it is still not seen as an inevitable part of life for all-itthe sick. Some children conceive of death as a person- the angel of death or the boogeyman-during this stage.

Ages9&up
At around age nine children form a realistic concept of death based on biological observation. Death is final, inevitable, brought on naturally as well as accidentally and will happen to everyone-including themselves.

2. How can I help my child be better prepared for coping with death?
In a study of 378 children Maria Nagy found that children have three main questions about death: 1. What is death? 2. What makes people die? and 3. What happens to people when they die? or, Where do they go? With these questions in mind, parents can begin talking about death with children under normal, emotionally neutral circumstances.

Physical
Using an example from nature, such as a flower or house plant, death can be explained as a natural part of the life cylce. Children observe the physical change of a flower as it withers and dies. They see it is no longer there and can imagine that it will never exist again. Many things can cause a flower to die: it might be picked, mowed down by mistake, suffer from drought, or simply live to the end of its natural cycle. Talking about these various means of death can help children understand that people, too, die in lots of different ways. Discussing where the flower goes-back into the earth to be food for other flowers-can begin a frank discussion of what happens to the human body after death. It simply decomposes and goes back into the earth. Some children need reassurance that the body is not "hurting" underground or when it is cremated.

Spiritual
What you (and ultimately your children) believe about the life of the spirit should be part of any discussion about death. With the flower example you can talk about the beauty and pleasure the flower gave and how the memory of that lives on after the flower is gone. You no longer enjoy and love that flower as a living thing, but you love it in a new way by caring for the earth, tending the garden each fall and spring to help the next year's flowers bloom and be healthy. You can wonder aloud about questions you have had or still have about life after death. Helping your children become comfortable with the mystery and wonder of death, as well as the reality, is a great gift.

Emotional
Finally, don't forget to mention that death can be very very sad. It is easy to get so caught up talking about death as a natural part of life that we neglect to warn our children about the sadness of loss. Knowing that it is okay to cry, okay to be mad and sad when a loved one dies-that in fact it is expected-will help your children be less fearful of the strong emotions they are bound to feel.

3. How should I tell my child about a loved one's death?
When a loved one dies it is preferable that the person who is emotionally closest to the child be the one to tell him or her. The child's sense of trust in the world is shaken and he or she needs to feel as much security as possible. Through touch, as well as words, let your child know that you are there. Begin by relating what you think the child already knows. For instance, "You know grandpa has been sick and had to go to the hospital" or "You know how much the dog loves to run around outside and how sometimes he chases cars. According to Claudia Jewett (Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss), these kinds of lead-ins make it harder for the child to deny reality, and gives him or her a sense of confidence in their own observations.
Next, give the facts-directly and accurately. Allow any and all questions to follow. Evasive or euphemistic answers (ex:"Grandpa has gone away.") only serve to confuse the child, increase the natural tendency to deny, and undermine trust even further. You may have to say you don't know the answer to some searching question. This element of mystery can be accepted by children and creates less anxiety than a fictional explantaion. Don't be afraid to let your own emotions show. Remember you are an important model, and children need to release their feelings too.

4. Should children go to funerals? wakes? internments?
Yes. A funeral or memorial service gives children a chance to be a part of the family-to share their sorrow and their memories-and to say good-bye to the deceased. It is an important rite of separation, however it is conducted, and has within it the seeds for healing the pain of loss. Seeing others grieve also helps children understand and accept their own strong feelings. Prepare your children for what to expect at the funeral or memorial service- especially the outpouring of sorrow which might be scary to them. Although it is recommended that children attend funerals, they should never be forced.

5. What is normal grieving for children?
Grief for children follows the same pattern as it does for adults. Early grief is characterized by shock and denial. Reactions are unpredictable. Waves of happy forgetfulness followed by sudden debilitating memory are common. Children may show symptoms of stress ranging from insomnia to bed-wetting. Denial and disbelief can last up to 3-6 months and still be considered "normal."

In the second stage of grief there is painful yearning for what is lost. Strong feelings of anger, guilt and shame express themselves in many different ways. As mentioned before, children are more apt to feel guilt than adults. Anger at others is often an expression of this guilt. Children need to be reassured that wishing can't make something happen and that it is okay to have negative feelings about the deceased. During this stage of grief children need a sympathetic listener. There is no short cut to by-pass the pain for children or adults. Children who can't express themselves with words or release their feelings with tears will often act out their pain with misbehavior. It is hard to know when the signs of stress or misbehavior warrant professional help. Trust your instincts and seek help if you are concerned.

In the final stage, pain is replaced by feelings of hope. The child sees that life goes on, that he or she can survive terrible sadness and still find joy. If the loss is of a parent or close family member, this final stage may be interrupted from time to time with waves of recurrent sadness and yearning. We can only be there for children when this happens, allow them to feel the pain anew and move beyond it again.

Groliman, Earl A, Explaining Death to Chiildren, Boston, Beacon Press, 1967. Groilman, Earl A., Talking About Death, A Dialogue Between Parent and Child, Boston, Beacon Press, 1970.
Jewett, Claudia, Helping Children to Cope With Separation and Loss, Harvard Common, 1982. Quackenbush, James E. & Graveline, D., When Your Pet Dies: How to Cope With Your Feelings, Simon & Schuster, 1985.
Wolf, Anna W.M., Helping Your Child to Understand Death, New York, Child Study Press, 1973. Jackson, Edgar N., Telling a Child About Death, New York, Channel Press, 1965.

For Children:
Miles, Miska, Annie and the Old One, Boston, Little Brown, 1971.
Viorst, Judith, The Tenth Good Thing About Barney, New York, Macmillan Child Group, 1987.
DePaola, Tomie, Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs, New York, Putman, 1973.
Buscalia, Leo, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf
Varley, Susan, Badger's Parting Gifts, New York, Morrow, 1992.

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Last updated August 11, 2002 by clf@uua.org