When I decided to preach this sermon, my mother was visiting. Because I wanted her input, I told her that I was going to do it. I didn't expect her reaction.
"Whadya mean, parenting our parents? Do you think you're my mother?" "Of course not, Mum. But several people, me included, are trying to cope with their aging parents."
We talked for a while and she eventually agreed it was a worthwhile topic. A week after she went back home, I received a collection of information from her about planning for the future and this letter.
Dear Sylvia,
Have been trying to think about what you asked-problems caring for family as time marches on.
1. Keeping them at home. Several I know have done it until physically hospitalization had to be or nursing home. I guess most hold off because of the cost. I have not heard of anyone complain of the burden.
2. Not having a will. It creates problems.
Love, Mum
After listening to many stories from both parents and children, I have come to believe that my mother hit the nail on the head when she wrote about "family" and "wills." These two concerns are a microcosm of larger issues. I understand them as relationships and preparation. I have come to believe that success in these two areas can make life easier and more pleasant for everyone: Relationships and Preparation.
Relationships
We all know that communication is a critical component of any relationship. Many do have a strong, sup-portive, caring relationship with their parents or children. Unfortunately many do not have such a relation-ship. Some parents and children continue to cling to the same relationship problems that plagued them twenty, thirty, and even fifty years ago. If this is true for you, I strongly urge you to take the first step in ending the impasse. Contact your mother or father, your son or daughter. Silently resolve to love them and accept them as they are, bearers of scars and satisfactions of living. You don't have to drag up every real or imagined past hurt. You don't have to dwell on real or imagined imperfections, idiosyncrasies, or foibles. You have a choice. You can choose to accept and affirm them as they are, not as you wish they had been or might be. Call or write and simply say, "I'd like to talk." Good communication between family members is critical as parents and children plan for the future.
Perhaps I need to digress a moment and talk a bit about what I mean by family and why I believe it is so important. When I speak of family I do so with the broadest definition possible. Your family may be your biological family or it may be your chosen family. It includes those people with whom you have a relation-ship that is concerned with your well being. For most of us, because we are separated psychically or by dis-tance, have formed relationships with people who care for us. Many of us have found this family within our community.
In Care of the Soul and Soul Mates Thomas More writes about family. "Nothing is more suitable for care of the soul than family, because the experience of family includes so much of the particulars of life. In a fam-ily you live close to people that otherwise you might not even want to talk to ...Family life is full of major and minor crises-the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce-and all kinds of characters...To some extent all families are dysfunctional. No family is perfect, and most have serious problems. A family is a microcosm, reflecting the nature of the world, which runs on both virtue and evil...At a deep level...family is most truly family in its complexity, including its failures and weak-nesses...It is the raw material from which we can make a life. The family the soul wants is a felt network of relationship, an evocation of a certain kind of interconnection that grounds, roots, and nestles. This con-nectedness doesn't have to be perfect or whole...or even an actual family." Family can be, but does not have to be, a literal entity.
Family is the source of our spiritual and emotional support and nurturing. Spiritual support and nurturing comes as we share our deepest thoughts and feelings about the purpose and meaning of our life. Emotional support and nurturing comes when we let go of our tenacious need for independence and accept the mutual interdependence that creates a strong bond of love and respect. With spiritual and emotional support, the practical realities of caring for or being cared for become surmountable challenges instead of debilitating power struggles.
Communication is key in any relationship. In a good relationship, coping with our own or our parents' aging is an integral part of the soul of the family. It involves mutual sharing, listening, trust, and sensitivity.
Sharing: We must be willing to talk honestly and openly with each other.
"Mom, the steps to the cellar are pretty steep. I worry about you falling. It might be safer if we moved the washer and dryer upstairs."
"Jim, I miss not knowing what's happening with your kids. I'd like it if you called more than once a month."
Listening: We must be willing to listen to each other.
"Karen, I'm sending you a copy of my living will. This means that if I am close to death, I do not want any heroic measures used."
"Dad, I wish I could invite you to live with us, but I can't."
Trust: We must be willing to trust and to acknowledge that there may come a time when our capacity for making decisions is severely limited.
This past week I heard a story about an elderly couple who went to an accountant to have their tax return prepared. The man was in his 90's, his wife several years younger. Their retirement income was adequate, but did not include much savings. During their marriage the husband had handled all the finances. This past year his mental abilities failed dramatically. He, quite naturally, did not recognize what was happening and his family was unable to take the painful, but necessary, steps to care for him. The consequence of this lack of trust and communication is heart rending. Last year the couple had to pay about $8.00 more in taxes. This year they will have to pay over $800 which they do not have. It seems that sometime last winter the husband, unbeknownst to his wife or any other family member, changed the withholding on his IBM pen-sion. He does not remember doing it. His wife is frantically trying to cope with the results of his decision.
Good communication, built up over the years, is crucial at times like this when you see your partner or par-ents slipping. In the role of caretaker it is essential to share your concern and when necessary take some ac-tion. As the older member of the family it is essential to trust that your partner, daughter, or son is looking out for your best interests.
Sensitivity: We must be sensitive to the message that lies behind the words we speak.
"Dad, why do you insist upon talking about dying?" really means "Seeing you getting old reminds me that I too am aging. I too will die."
"Why should I give up my driver's license?" really means "Driving means that I am free and independent. I do not want to be beholden to anyone."
Good communication between the generations is not a one way directive from younger to older or from older to younger. It is a two way flow that involves mutual sharing, listening, trusting, and sensitivity. We might take to heart the words from a responsive reading in our hymnal: "Let us cultivate boundless good-will. Let none deceive another, or despise any being in any state. Let none in anger or ill-will wish another harm."
Preparation
It is the second key. By preparation I mean thinking about and planning for the future. Preparation for the future is really something everyone, not just older citizens, need to do. Preparation for the future is neces-sary at every age, but for seniors it is critical.
As we well know, life expectancy has increased substantially over the years. Instead of being a few years at most, retirement may last twenty to forty years. Unlike our parents and grandparents, many of us are living well into our 80's, 90's, and even past 100. Census information shows that the rise in the senior population continues to surpass growth in any other segment of the United States population. "Many factors have influ-enced this trend: societal and environmental changes and improvements; medical advancements against deadly illnesses like heart disease, stroke and cancer; and changes in daily health practices, like improved diet, increased exercise, and cessation of smoking." (p. 3 American Guidance for Seniors) This aging of America has and will continue to have a profound effect on all of us. Maintaining control over our basic life decisions is a fundamental issue for everyone. It is a right that may of us take for granted. the best way to insure that this will happen, even if we become unable to manage our affairs, is to determine in advance what we want to happen.
PREPARATIONS...PLANNING for the future. By preparation I mean things like making sure you have information about things like a designated guardian for your minor children, wills, a durable power of attor-ney, living wills, trusts, adequate financial plans, health care provisions, and housing.
How many of you have designated a guardian for your minor children in the event that something should happen to you? Grandparents, do you know if the parents of your grandchildren have such a document? Without it, if the child's parents both die or are incapacitated, the state will determine who will raise the children.
How many of you have a will? Without a will, state law regarding descent and distribution will determine how your property will be distributed. Generally, your property will be divided according to pre-determined formula among your spouse, children and family members. Under state law, friends will never be heirs, unless they are designated in a will. This is especially important for same-sex family relationships. Legally your life partner can not inherit your property unless you designate them as a recipient.
How may of you have a living will? A living will is a document that can direct an attending physician to withhold or withdraw life-sustaining procedures. We all know that modern technology has made it possible to artificially prolong life for long periods of time even when they life is terminal. Many of us do not with to be kept alive by such life-support systems. If you do not have a living will and would like one, copies are available from ????? UU Committee on this???
These are a few of the preparations we must make if we are to adequately plan for our future. There are a variety of resources to help us in this process. Organizing your Future; A Guide to Decision Making in Your Later Years is available from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP). [Note: Caring for an Aging Parent by Avis Jane Hall and Caring for Your Aging Parents by Sharon and Earl Grollman are both available to borrow from the CLF Loan Library, Pastoral Bookshelf.] Senior citizen centers or agen-cies on aging can also help. Colleges, universities and community centers periodically offer courses de-signed to assist us in planning for the future.
No one really wants to reverse the roles of parent and child. Yet each of us needs and wants to beloved and nurtured and supported. As we each grow older, parent and child, we can make the process easier by two things: relationships and preparation.
In closing let us recall the words of George Odell.
We need one another.
We need one another when we mourn and would be comforted.
We need one another when we are in trouble and afraid.
We need one another when we are in despair, in temptation, and need to be recalled to our best selves again.
We need one another when we would accomplish some great purpose, and cannot do it alone.
We need one another in the hour of success, when we look for someone to share our triumphs.
We need one another in the hour of defeat, when with encouragement we might endure, and stand again.
We need one another when we came to die, and would have gentle hands prepare us for the journey.
All our lives we are in need, and others are in need of us. AMEN

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Last updated May 24, 2002 by clf@uua.org