You've got to be taught to hate and fear
You've got to be taught from year to year
It's got to be drummed in your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made
And people who are of a different shade
You've got to be carefully taught

You've got to be taught before it's too late
Before you are six or seven or eight
To hate all the people your relatives hate
You've got to be carefully taught!
You've got to be carefully taught!

Rogers & Hammerstein, 1949

How many of you are familiar with this song from the musical "South Pacific"? I remember hearing it on a record as a child and wondering what they were talking about. Taught to hate -why would anyone want to do that? Now whenever I think of prejudice the words of this song spring to mind. Prejudice is not something people are born with. It is something children learn from the world around them.

In some places today, that teaching is very open and intentional. The "ethnic cleansing" we hear about in Bosnia is a clear example. But what about our own families? I'm sure most of you don't consider yourselves prejudiced and can't imagine how you are contributing to the teaching of prejudice in your children. I know I have a hard time accepting responsibility for this because I consider myself unbiased and tolerant. But in looking into this issue at the request of a CLFer confronting the rise of ethnic violence in Europe (see Mary Wertech's letter in March Quest), I have learned that it is important for us to re-examine our role in this subtle instruction of prejudice.

Awareness
It may be helpful to begin this process by looking at how normal child development sets the stage for prejudice. The process of human growth is a process of separating oneBelf from others through ever-increasing awareness of differences. An infant baby is aware of differences in smell, color, texture. Children as young as age 2 are able to identify differences between people and begin to use labels to describe these differences.

Identification
By age 3 or 4 most children can name, identify and match people according to physical characteristics. This is when they begin to ask questions like "Where do people get their color?' If they don't get accurate answers they make up their own distorted ones. In the early school years children distinguish themselves from others not only on the basis of physical characteristics but also group identity family, classroom, culture, religion, and town.

Attitude/Values
Between the ages of 7 and 12 children take the next normal developmental step -forming attitudes, beliefs and values. Whereas the process of naming and classifying people is a mental activity, holding a value or attitude is an emotional activity-a response based on feelings. For children these feelings are based on meeting their needs, such as safety, belonging, acceptance and happiness. If a child finds acceptance in a group-either of peers or family-by responding in a certain way, then s/he will continue to respond that way in order to be accepted.

Pre-Prejudice
Louise Derman-Sparks calls these early thoughts and feelings a period of "pre-prejudice." If attitudes and responses become rigid, that is the beginning of prejudice. It is during this time that parents particularly want to discourage discriminatory ideas and behaviors.

What Can We Do?
In Roots and Wings, Stacey York (see Resources page) offers several suggestions for how teachers and parents can respond to this normal "pre-prejudice" of children in ways which foster acceptance. Issues such as this are important opportunities for religious education-to remind our children of our belief in the worth and dignity of all human beings and the sacredness of all life.

Self-awareness
We must begin by examining closely our own biases, misconceptions and fears. The question may not be if we are prejudice, but how and under what circumstances does our prejudice surface? It is particularly important that we pay close attention to our use of language. Beyond cleaning up our slang, jokes and racial slum, we also need to be aware of the hidden meanings of words of color. The "white knight" and the "black sheep" perpetuate the good/bad images associated with people of color. If you aren't sure what name a group likes to use to identify itself, (i.e.: Black, African-American, Handicapped), ask!

Self-acceptance
We must start from a position of acceptance and awareness of our own prejudice to be open to what needs to be done to eliminate it. This is not easy. We don't intend our comments or actions to be discriminatory and so it is hard to accept that they are perceived that way by others. Part of accepting our prejudice is forgiving ourselves, not blaming or feeling guilty, but saying, "Okay, I never thought of it that way. I can change and I will try."

Open Dialogue
From this position of openness we can also help our children expand their pre-prejudicial thinking. We must respond to our children's questions with accurate information and open dialogue. If you aren't sure of the answer, say so and look it up together (see Resources page). Saying something like "'that's an interesting way of thinking about that." says to your child that you have faith in their ability to think things through. If you don't agree with your child's thinking, you can follow that statement with "Here's what I think." You can give your opinion without putting your child down.

State Your Value
If your child's behavior or comment is clearly discriminatory, it is important to be firm and quick in your response. "I don't like it when you call Mark "Blockier." That is name calling and it hurts people's feelings." You might follow that statement with,"As Unitarian Universalists we believe that all people are to be treated with respect and kindness." Connecting the values and principles of our UU faith with the actual experiences your child is having is the heart of liberal religious education.
Remember, clear statements of your value without making your child feel bad about him or herself is your goal. For more information on this kind of parent-child dialogue I highly recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (See Resources page). We need to take an active approach to deepening our awareness of prejudice in ourselves and pre-prejudice in our children. To paraphrase Margaret Mead, the concerted action of individuals is the only thing which has ever brought about real social change.

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Last updated June 25, 2002 by clf@uua.org