What is known about self-esteem and how it develops? How do parents make a difference? What forces, both within our families and in our communities, influence our children's emerging self-esteem? These are just a few of the questions I explored with a group of parents several years ago in a mini-course I conducted. In our discussions, I discovered how much my religion influences my thinking about self-esteem. The way we view our children, and the mirror we hold up for them to see themselves, are greatly influenced by our view of life at the deepest levels. The fundamental principles of Unitarian Universalism give meaning and hope to the context of our lives, and help us create a climate which nourishes self-esteem in our children. (see RESources, Quest Summer, 1995.)
Volumes have been written on self-esteem, and I hesitate to reduce current knowledge to a few pages. At the risk of over-simplification-and with the hope that many of you will pursue the topic in greater detail using the references listed on page -I offer the following annotated outline.
I. Self-esteem is learned.
Self-esteem is how lovable (our feelings of worth as a person) and capable (our sense of autonomy and competence) we feel we are. It is not something we are born with, not something we get from wealth or social class or higher education. It is learned from our experiences with life and our interactions with others. The factors which influence these experiences change as we grow and develop.
II. The "journey of self" is a natural progression from total dependence to independence. Increasing autonomy feeds self-esteem.
Human beings are driven toward autonomy from the start. In the first year or two of life, the infant is not psychologically separate from the mother or caretaker. Between the ages of 2 and 6 separation is the psychological force driving the child's development. Only by practicing separateness can the child capture feelings of autonomy. Some are rebellious, saying "no" even when they don't mean it. Others become very possessive-everything is "mine". Fear of being abandoned or rejected lead some to have difficulty sleeping or staying with a babysitter. Mastery is important at this age and the fact that the child took initiative (ie: getting dressed) if often more important to him or her than the result.
The middle years (6-12) is a quieter time in terms of developing independence. Children begin to define their self-image with reflections from outside the family. Belonging to a group and not standing out as different are important. Successfully participating in games or activities which are valued by agemates heightens self-esteem. Children are refining what it means to be separate-collections, secrets, trading and locked diaries are all symbols of control and autonomy.
During adolescence children re-evaluate themselves in light of all the pysical and psychological changes brought about by puberty.
III. Throughout the movement toward independence, parents have many opportunities to influence their children's self-esteem.
The chart on pages - identifies 5 areas of parental influence-1. Structuring the Environment, 2. Structuring Time, 3. Rules and Expectations, 4. Responses to Positive Behavior and 5. Responses to Misbehavior-with examples of ways parents can contribute to low or high self-esteem in each area.
IV. Communication is critical to helping children feel good about themselves. Encouraging autonomy and encouraging positive self-reflections are the goals of communication which fosters self-esteem.
In How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, the authors offer the following guidelines for responding to your children with these goals in mind.
· Give Choices: The goal in giving choices is to empower the child. Both options should be ones which your child can easily do and feel good about him or herself having chosen. (ie: "We're going in 5 minutes. Do you want to take a last ride on the swing or slide some more?")
· Express empathy for your child's situation/feeling and respect for the struggle. (ie: "I understand you're angry about having to leave. But we need to go in 5 minutes...")
· Don't ask too many questions or rush to give answers. Instead, act as a sounding board to help your child explore his or her own thoughts further.
· Avoid too many "no's". How?
Give the facts ("Can't we stay and play longer?" "Dinner's in the oven and will be ready soon.")
Reflect your child's feelings ("Can't we please stay longer?" "It's hard to leave something when its so much fun.")
Give yourself time to think ("Let me think about that.")
Describe the problem
Change "no" to "yes" when possible ("Can I have a cookie?" "Yes, after you finish your sandwich." vs. "No, you haven't eaten your sandwich.")
· Avoid giving advice. Instead, help your child sort out his or her feelings and behaviors, restate the problem as you see it, offer your thoughts and feelings after your child has had a chance to explore his or her own, encourage your child to use resources outside the home.
· Give helpful praise and encouragement. Praise is helpful when an adult describes with appreciation what he or she sees or feels and the child, after hearing this description, is able to praise him or herself.
· Affirm your child's rightness. Catch your child being good, cooperative etc. and tell him or her with descriptive words what it means to you.
· Look for opportunities to show your child a new picture of him/herself. Catch your child being different than the usual "role" and describe in an appreciative way.

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Last updated May 24, 2002 by clf@uua.org