Awhile ago, I came across a book titled, Secrets of Strong Families, by two family therapists and researchers, John DeFain and Nick Stinnet. It chronicled their analysis of several years studying families who self identified as strong families. The research included more than 3,000 families from all regions of the United States, with different economic and education levels, different racial and ethnic groups, diverse ages, and many religious persuasions. The families had both single-parent and two-parent composition and represented merged families as well as families formed by a long-standing, single marriage. I'd like to tell you about their findings.

After looking at the results of their research instruments and analyzing the answers to interview questions, DeFain and Stinnet found that six qualities were mentioned time and again by these self-identified, strong families. They are:

· Commitment-family members are dedicated to promoting each other's welfare and happiness. They value the unity of the family.

· Time-family members spend time together-quality time in large quantities.

· Communication-family members spend time talking to each other and have good communication skills.

· Appreciation-members of the family regularly show appreciation and respect for the other family members.

· Coping Ability-family members and the family unit had developed ways to deal with stress or crisis in nondestructive ways.

· Spiritual Wellness-the family as a whole, and individuals within it, have a sense of a greater good or power in life, and actively pursue spiritual enhancement.

To be a strong family does not mean to live in a problem-free world. Strong families can have troubles in their lives-illnesses, job loss, arguments, devastating financial and property loss, and death. But these problems do not destroy the families because the family unit has consciously worked to establish guidelines for living together, and has developed mechanisms to help the family surmount the inevitable challenges of life when they arise.

Although all the characteristics are interrelated, probably the foundational characteristic of strong families is a sense of commitment. Members of the family believe that the family comes first. They know and comprehend that each person forms a part of the family and each part is precious. Bad times, either for an individual, or for the family as a whole, do not destroy their commitment to each other.

In families with a sense of commitment toward the family unit, the husband and wife are willing to make changes in their personal goals and activities, and will lend a hand to help each other. The children are also taught to understand that sometimes individual plans and desires need to be altered in the interest of overall family needs.

Having a commitment to the family also means making time for the family. A survey done several years ago asked 1,500 children what they thought made a happy family. They did not list material things. The most frequent answer was "doing things together."

Family time together does not just happen. Work, social engagements, and extra-curricular activities can easily come to consume great deal of one's time, attention, and energy.

Strong families do not withdraw from the world. But they do keep reminding themselves that the family is most important. They consciously work to create a sensible balance between external and internal family activities.

They plan time together-a specific night a week to do things as a family or a certain mealtime together, or doing the family chores together. They also consciously regulate the time they will spend doing things outside the home, by having each member of the family set limits on the number of projects and commitments they make in a month or a year.

One member of this church told me recently about regular family meetings during which members decide what two outside activities each person will pursue for a certain period of time.

Athletes forego desserts, and late-night activities to get into top physical condition. Musicians and artists invest a great deal of time to refine their skills. They do not give only leftover time to the thing they consider important. The same philosophy is followed by people who want to develop and maintain a strong family. They realize that babies, older children, marriages and unions, and parents, do not keep. They cannot wait for "someday" to be given time and commitment.

If strong families are spending time together, then they are also spending a lot of time in conversation, which is another characteristic DeFain and Stinnet observed in the self-identified strong family. Family members spend time talking about all sorts of things-trivial as well as profound matters.

Good communication, like time together, does not just happen, though. It must be made to happen and plans must be established to be sure there is time to talk. In a study done several years ago, the average couple spent 17 minutes, out of the 10,080 minutes in a week, in genuine conversation. Time needs to be dedicated for spouses and partners to just talk to each other-and not just about who will stop at the cleaner's on the way home.

And in strong families time is also made, and encouragement given, for children to share experiences, problems, dreams, and expectations. As one father stated, "If my son can't talk with me about cars and tennis, why should he think I'd listen about the drug traffic at school?"

Spending time talking contributes to good mental health for family members. Members get a chance to talk things out, check out perceptions, get additional advice or observations. It also builds and maintains a sense of belonging, especially for children. It permits people to deal with personal and family problems in an open, honest way involving all members of the family.

But just talking is not the full picture. Family members must also be willing to listen. This means that family members take the time to listen to other family members. Often in the course of listening to what may seem like minor items, one hears about really important issues-feelings or values that need to be discussed. Listening also means trying to get into the other person's world and seeing things from that person's point of view.

Also, families who are trying to strengthen communication work to keep several communication destroyers out of the scene, such as criticizing, acting superior, manipulating facts, and bullying. It doesn't work to try to foster communications within a family, such as encouraging family members to have dinner together, when members of the family know that they will be subjected to verbal attacks or criticisms. It also doesn't help if family members give others the silent treatment when they are upset, or play the various forms of the game "you figure out what I'm upset about."

Part of the communication strong families do is expressing appreciation in words and actions for what other members do. Little surprise gifts are brought home to spouse or partner. Husband and wife and children are thanked for doing things, even when they are doing their assigned family chores. And sometimes, out of the clear blue, a husband or wife tell each other, or their children, how special they are.

Strong families do not have freedom from major crises. They suffer serious illnesses, deaths, loss of jobs, financial catastrophes. What they do have, though, are several strategies to face the crisis as a family and not let it overwhelm them.

One strategy is trying to see what the positive side in a situation might be and to focus on that element. People in strong families are not ignorant or unaware of reality. They suffer the same emotions that everyone does when faced with loss-anger, depression, sadness. But they work hard to overcome the negative emotions and try to find some good coming out of the situation.

A friend of mine, who was out-placed from a very high-paying executive position, came to see that he now had the opportunity to explore a route within the same general career field that more closely fit his present interests.

This ability to see something good in a crisis or bad situation helps people to maintain a more balanced perspective. The ability to see something positive in a bad situation gives them hope.

The second strategy is to work together to handle the difficulty. Members of strong families each ask "What can I do?" Family members, regardless of age, take on various tasks, so that no one individual feels totally responsible for the problem, and no one feels he or she has to carry the load alone.

And while family members do provide much of the help to make it through a situation, strong families are willing to seek out support from others, including professionals. They don't try to go it alone because of false pride, ego, or some notion of machismo.

Another strategy strong families use in difficult situations is to keep channels of communication open within the family. One benefit of open communication channels is that problem-solving is made easier. More heads are working on the problem. Strong families also know that in crisis situations, all members of the family must feel free to express their feelings.

One other characteristic of strong families in crisis situations is a willingness to be adaptable or flexible. They allow themselves to go with the flow. They make career changes, they change schedules, they move. A friend, who worked in a field that had limited positions refused to recognize that at his age, and with his decades-old education, and because of unfavorable references being given by a vindictive boss, he would never get a job in his field. Unfortunately, since he did not adapt to the reality of his situation, he never did get back into a professional position.

You may have heard the saying about when we have alligators snapping at our heels, we forget that we originally came to the swamp to drain it. Strong families work to keep the alligators in life from blocking their view of the bigger picture of living life.

But there is one more, and maybe the most significant, characteristic of strong families. Families who consider themselves to be strong, and especially those who have weathered crises, recognize a spiritual dimension to life. They feel there is a unifying force, a caring center within each person that promotes sharing, love, and compassion for others. It is a philosophy about life that helps each individual transcend the self and become a part of something larger.

Strong families make a conscious effort, as a family unit, to live out their religious beliefs about a person's relationship to God, to nature, and to other people. For some, that may mean they have an active religious life at church. For others it's having a family prayer or meditation time. And for others, it is being active as a family, or as an individual, in social causes. But the real way they express their spiritual nature is by dealing reverently with other people in their homes, at work, at play, and even in their churches and synagogues.

The characteristics of a strong family described by DeFain and Stinnet-commitment, time together, communication, expression of appreciation, ability to cope in crisis, and a sense of the spiritual, interact and give the family and family members the feeling that love is all about them.

May we all cherish the love that is about us, and endeavor to make our family relationships strong and enduring.

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Last updated May 24, 2002 by clf@uua.org